The Black Hat Ceremony

Sometime around 1980 or 81, the 16th Karmapa performed the Black Hat ceremony in Boulder. I was in attendance. At the end, there was a sort of darshan line (though in the Kagyu tradition it wasn't called that, I suppose). I fell into place at the end of a very long line of people, wending its way toward the Karmapa, who was seated on a raised dais, holding a long peacock feather.

As the line - with me in it - made its way around the edge of the large room, I began to be aware of more and more thoughts in my mind, all occurring simultaneously. I didn't particularly want them there. I wanted to be "clear" for this auspicious meeting between this humble seeker and this realized being.

The closer I got to the Karmapa, the stronger, louder, and more multitudinous became the thoughts in my mind. A cacophony of arrogance, lust, ambition, self loathing, and all the rest flowed like a foul-smelling fountain within me. By the time I - and all my thoughts - reached the Karmapa, I was in a panic, sweating and afraid.

Wordlessly, he bent down and brushed me lightly with his long feather, and all of that inner energy relaxed. Though nothing was said, the message was crystal clear:

"Yes, all of that."

And since that day, this has been the guidepost of my inner life.

Here's what I've been noticing lately

My point of view keeps changing. I mean, about everything. One day, I can think I need to spend thousands of dollars to go on a silent retreat in the fall. The next day, that notion seems absolutely ridiculous, and I think, why not spend some of that on my class reunion, about which I had a dream last night. After all, my professed path is the Path of Life, and non-dual awareness makes no distinction between Spiritual and personal.
Yesterday I don't know where I'm going to get my next drop of purposeful energy; today, everything just gets accomplished.
Yesterday I was in love with everything, today I could care less.
You get the idea.
Back and forth, on and on.
And here I am, looking for what it is that doesn't change, when everything changes, all the time!
Still, there is some Identity which is always the same, at least in this person. Underneath the shifting beliefs, feelings, opinions, perceived needs, there is just this simple self-identity.
Where does it reside, I wonder. When the Breath disappears, will it also vanish? How can one's own Self be such a mystery?
Inquiry, it seems, digs up only questions.
Ah! When I examine the source of those questions, it seems like they are their own source. They arise from an energy which has no particular location, or all locations. At least, that's what it seems like when I get intimate with the questioning source.
I can see why some folks call that source Love, and I can see why some call it emptiness, and some call it The Lord. It is all those things. And yet...
So, here goes an experiment:
I will only address you as you, my love, my infinite light. You are only You. You are the question. You are only You.
Thank You!