So much violence in the world.
So much deadly reactivity.
I feel it inside, as well.
And, obviously, Earth feels it, too.
What to do?
Watch and pray...

Spring wind
Dust bites my lungs,
Nibbles on my spirit,
Drags me deep...
Nothing avails - nothing
So in Nothing, I rest,
Fully Alive!

With all the craziness going on in the world right now (and in the heavens, as well!), I think we all know that the same craziness is going on inside us, also.
You know the bumper sticker, "Don't believe everything you think?" I might change the "everything" to "anything," these days.
I, for one, notice that I hold contradictory thoughts and feelings about every news item I see online, every potential crisis that seems to loom in my life, where the best place to live might be in light of what seems to be a rapidly approaching, drastic world change, literally everything - even whether or not I even care anymore!
This is not to say I'm terminally depressed or anything - it's not like that. Moods come and go, as always. It's just that the world of the mind seems to be revealing itself to be an endless cul-de-sac, in a very powerful and complete way, these days.
The alternative? For now, my working hypothesis is to simply notice that fact as it unfolds, maddening as it sometimes is. Whatever arises beyond the mind doesn't seem to be up to me. At least, not right now.

Happy Birthday!!!

Tomorrow is my daughter Manora's birthday. Time flies!

I just want the world to know how proud I am of her. She's been through a lot, and she has used her ability to dive deep and do her work to become a beautiful woman, inside and out!

The Black Hat Ceremony

Sometime around 1980 or 81, the 16th Karmapa performed the Black Hat ceremony in Boulder. I was in attendance. At the end, there was a sort of darshan line (though in the Kagyu tradition it wasn't called that, I suppose). I fell into place at the end of a very long line of people, wending its way toward the Karmapa, who was seated on a raised dais, holding a long peacock feather.

As the line - with me in it - made its way around the edge of the large room, I began to be aware of more and more thoughts in my mind, all occurring simultaneously. I didn't particularly want them there. I wanted to be "clear" for this auspicious meeting between this humble seeker and this realized being.

The closer I got to the Karmapa, the stronger, louder, and more multitudinous became the thoughts in my mind. A cacophony of arrogance, lust, ambition, self loathing, and all the rest flowed like a foul-smelling fountain within me. By the time I - and all my thoughts - reached the Karmapa, I was in a panic, sweating and afraid.

Wordlessly, he bent down and brushed me lightly with his long feather, and all of that inner energy relaxed. Though nothing was said, the message was crystal clear:

"Yes, all of that."

And since that day, this has been the guidepost of my inner life.

Here's what I've been noticing lately

My point of view keeps changing. I mean, about everything. One day, I can think I need to spend thousands of dollars to go on a silent retreat in the fall. The next day, that notion seems absolutely ridiculous, and I think, why not spend some of that on my class reunion, about which I had a dream last night. After all, my professed path is the Path of Life, and non-dual awareness makes no distinction between Spiritual and personal.
Yesterday I don't know where I'm going to get my next drop of purposeful energy; today, everything just gets accomplished.
Yesterday I was in love with everything, today I could care less.
You get the idea.
Back and forth, on and on.
And here I am, looking for what it is that doesn't change, when everything changes, all the time!
Still, there is some Identity which is always the same, at least in this person. Underneath the shifting beliefs, feelings, opinions, perceived needs, there is just this simple self-identity.
Where does it reside, I wonder. When the Breath disappears, will it also vanish? How can one's own Self be such a mystery?
Inquiry, it seems, digs up only questions.
Ah! When I examine the source of those questions, it seems like they are their own source. They arise from an energy which has no particular location, or all locations. At least, that's what it seems like when I get intimate with the questioning source.
I can see why some folks call that source Love, and I can see why some call it emptiness, and some call it The Lord. It is all those things. And yet...
So, here goes an experiment:
I will only address you as you, my love, my infinite light. You are only You. You are the question. You are only You.
Thank You!

Our First

In honor of Elly's and my first wedding anniversary (the second time around), here is the poem I wrote and read to her on the big day:

SILENCE

I

There are these doorways…

Some evenings – like this one –

Snow falling gently, Juncos and Sparrows

Hopping for seeds in the snow,

Not making even the slightest sound,

Even my breath just happens. Just happens.

And suddenly, with no warning, Silence

Is all that is.

Great draughts of silence

Simply here for the taking.

Our love is like that,

Yours and mine.

II

Struggling behind you, to keep up,

Walking – almost running –

Joints aching, yet exhilarated,

Wondering just how far you would take us

Toward that distant point – Point Joe,

Off in the distant Pacific twilight,

A dark, silent shade of a place.

You took us all the way, and I followed.

Why?

Was it the path to the essence of you,

To the essence of our unexpected sharing?

I could not stop, and I nearly collapsed

On the way back.

I thought I might die,

And I had to call to you.

All those years between

(You know what I mean!)

Were somehow like that darkened path,

Except in the true blackness

Of watchful ignorance,

Putting one foot in front of the other

For what seemed like eons and eons,

Until one day, I just

Had to call to you.

III

Doesn’t it seem odd,

How Silence can be like a

Beautiful song sung deep in the soul?

And isn’t it miraculous,

How sometimes, with a little luck,

Two can sing it together?

I just shake my head in wonder,

On this beautiful snowy twilit eve,

To think that, after all these years,

The secret hope I carried, only dimly aware,

Became our destiny,

The two of us, at last,

Singing our silence as one.

Luminescent Clarity, continued...

As promised, here we are again. Tonight, I happen to be deep into a viewpoint of sadness because I had a strenuous day and I am separated from my beloved. As I sit with this state, I begin to trace it back inside me - not to any logical origin, but to its felt essence. That essence has a presence, kind of like the crying facet of a jewel which is me.
And the jewel shines! Really, the crying facet is simply a mask on a neutral, luminescent beingness which resonates within a field of light which is simple identity.
If you have done the experiment suggested yesterday, you probably have an inkling or knowledge of what is being said. Otherwise, I'm sure this will seem like sheer lunacy.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially if you are in the latter category. It's just a fun experiment, after all!

Luminescent Clarity

Pick a thought, any thought. Okay, I'll pick a thought that seems like it will stick to me for a while...just waiting for it to come around on the wheel...
Aha! "I'm not ambitious enough."
All right, you can pick your own thought. I'll stay with this one, for now.
Let's take a closer look at the thought and its possible manifestations. In my case, that thought, if I choose to indulge it, will inevitably lead to "I should be making more money," which in turn will lead to more and more thoughts along that line.
It's an "interesting" thought, because my mind believes it has locked on to a problem which it can somehow solve. We could go on, following the progressions of our chosen thought until we finally got sick of it, or seriously worried.
Instead, let's just sit back and look at the original thought frozen in time, so to speak.
What I mean is, let's look at it in complete freedom. Just for now, I will accept my thought without judgement, aversion, grasping or any other reaction. Just taking it in as if it were a cloud floating by. Maybe it even waves at me, or winks. Or growls.
What is the essence of this thought frozen in time?
There's nothing I can say about it - I'm choosing for the moment to examine without reacting or forming any opinion about it. So what is its essence?
"I'm not ambitious enough." (or whatever your thought is).
Who says it?
What does it feel like?
Does it have a texture? A flavor? An aroma?
Tomorrow, I'll explore this further. For now, let's just enjoy this quiet exploration on our own.

Intimacy With the Ten Thousand Things

...has its ups and downs:
There was this time, in the Nevada mountains - I won't say where - when I took a little excursion off of highway 50 (you know- "the loneliest road in the world") up an innocent-looking dirt road. It went for miles straight across the basin at first, then climbed around curves up into a high valley.
As I rounded the last curve and sped up for the straightaway, I found myself looking entranced at what seemed like the most desolate place I had ever been. A road to nowhere. A long valley sandwiched between two mountain ranges, with one particular peak to the right which scared and fascinated me.
It took me a few moments to realize that I was now driving on mud, not dirt, and that the wheels of my Volkswagon Squareback, into which I had crammed all of my worldly possessions, were now spinning, and I was no longer moving. Dusk was beginning to settle over the landscape, and there was probably not a human soul within 50 miles.
I got out of the car and, feet sinking into the mud a good few inches, took stock of my situation. I had one useful tool - snow chains. Hands and knees trembling, I mounted them, got back in the car, and tried backing up. No luck, so I tried going forward, which served to get me about 50 yards farther into the mire. I stopped, got out. One of the chains had come off. I retrieved it.
As I fumbled to get the chain back on the tire, shaking uncontrollably, I found myself praying two prayers at exactly the same time. "Lord, if this is where you want me to be, I accept it in love. Thy will be done."
The other? "Get me the fuck out of here!!!"
With that, I got in, put it into reverse, and the car simply backed up the hundred yards or so to dry dirt. My heart was pounding as I breathed deeply with relief, got out of the car and looked up at that mountain on the right. It said - yes, it really, unmistakeably said to me, "Get out, and never come back here!"
I never did.

Hot Hot Hot !!!

Went from HOT in New York to HOT in Crestone. Mosquitoes, too...
I think I'll take a tepid bath now.

Inner Turmoil

Ever feel like this inside? I do - often. The photo is, of course, the Pacific: peaceful. Doesn't feel that way, inside or outside. But wait. Stop for a few moments and breath with it. In. Out. In. Out. For a while. It's not that it stops churning - it keeps moving constantly. But by simply allowing it to be for a while, the inner signals that say "danger" and "what will I do about it" or "this is very uncomfortable" begin to subside, and the energy is seen and felt for what it is. Simply energy. Lots and lots of energy.
Try it (the inside one, I mean - we all have it). If you feel to, let me know what happened.

let's begin in the middle

Can't think of a better way to begin this blog than with this beautiful lily from our garden. Let's climb inside!